Sunday, October 30
haven't been here in ages. i felt fat, so i ran on the treadmill for 5 mins when i got home from church. it felt really good for some reason. then i went to sleep and now i have a bloody headache and i don't feel so great. bleaugh. life of the fat and lazy.
soooo. to those who don't already know. decided to drop hist. for no good reason except i don't like it. yup. now you can either condemn me as a quitter or admire my sheer stupidity, but it won't affect my decision either way. i've already got the rest of my boring life mapped out for me. i just can't decide if i should do english language at nus, english lit at nus or english at ntu. either way, i just hope my life won't revolve around my job, if it's gonna be like my studies.
chinese tmr. never been less stressed for a nation exam. hip hip hooray. been an awful week for a lot of people. i hope it gets better. i hope everything works out. i hope so much i sound like a fool. we've never been so many, and we've never been so alone.
it must've been love.
8:07 pm
xoxo
Sunday, October 23
You Can't Hurry Love, by the Supremes
I need love, love
To ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine
But mama said
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes
But how many heartaches
Must I stand before I find a love
To let me live again
Right now the only thing
That keeps me hangin’ on
When I feel my strength, yeah
It’s almost gone
I remember mama said:
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take
How long must I wait
How much more can I take
Before loneliness will cause my heart
Heart to break?
No I can’t bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can’t go on
These precious words keeps me hangin’ on
I remember mama said:
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes
No, love, love, don’t come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that soft voice
To talk to me at night
For some tender arms
To hold me tight
I keep waiting
I keep on waiting
But it ain’t easy
It ain’t easy
But mama said:
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes
You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take
it must've been love.
11:19 pm
xoxo
Monday, October 17
i just wish you could understand.
i don't know why it even means anything to me. i don't know why anything means anything anymore. i told myself i wouldn't let such things define me anymore, but i find that without them, i am undefined, i am nothing.
i really am nothing.
and nothing makes sense anymore.
i'm having a lovehate relationship with the piano. i play it because i don't know what else to do. and i hate the way i play. so i try not to. but i really don't know what else to do. how else to cope.
it must've been love.
10:08 pm
xoxo
Sunday, October 16
how sweet, that i will have no memories of this at all. implicitly anyway. it'll be exactly like the other time. how precious. and yet i know this is something i won't forget.
for now, i love this song.
ocean deep.Love can’t you see I’m alone
Can’t you give this fool a chance
A little love is all I ask -
A little kindness in the night
Please don’t leave me behind
No - don’t tell me love is blind -
A little love is all I ask and that is all
Oh love I’ve been searching so long
I’ve been searching high’n’low
A little love is all I ask -
A little sadness when you’re gone
Maybe you need a friend
Only please don’t let’s pretend
A little love is all I ask and that is all
I wanna spread my wings - but I just can’t fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by
Ocean deep
I’m so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -
Solitary room
Ocean deep
Will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I’ll keep
Ocean deep
Love can’t you hear when I call
Can’t you hear a word I say
A little love is all I ask
A little feeling when we touch
Why am I still alone?
I’ve got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask - and that is all
I wanna spread my wings but I just can’t fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by
Ocean deep
I’m so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -
Solitary room
Ocean deep
Will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I’ll keep - ocean deep
I’m so lonely lonely lonely...
Maybe..
when i heard it on the other end of the line, it struck me how our lives seem so parallel, only your lows seem magnified.
it must've been love.
10:27 pm
xoxo
happy birthday, jean. =)
it must've been love.
12:04 am
xoxo
Friday, October 14
are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you? tell me how to win your heart, for i haven't got a clue. but let me start by saying, i love you.i don't know where to start. i just can't say it. it isn't just about fear. i've become so incoherent. it's been a year of disappointments after disappointments. one would have thought that i'd have learnt how not to hope, not to expect anymore. but i am sadly all too human.
and i do believe that pride is a stronger emotion with you than love.
it must've been love.
11:45 pm
xoxo
Thursday, October 13
i realise there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. i say 'sorry' too often for too many wrong reasons.
i wrote something for you. but it was utter shit and i deleted it. i'm sorry. shit there i go again. but i'm sorry. i just wanted to let you know how i felt. and how it all felt. how much i wanted to hug you, but i couldn't. how empty my arms felt, and how much it hurt my heart. sorry. i'll try harder to write something better, something nicer.. something i won't delete.
so many things i have to say. only i can't say them. i'm sorry. shucks not again.
beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and nothing colours it like love.
it must've been love.
11:56 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, October 11
okay okay annie appreciate this
i am only doing this once..
Seven things you plan to do before you die:1. fall in love. for real.
2. find peace.
3. read the dictionary through at least once, for kicks.
4. find all the piano scores i've been hunting for and learn to play them to perfection.
5. come to terms with my impending death.
6. design my funeral gown
7. take a nice picture to be put on my coffin.
Seven things I could do:1. be nice to my classmates.
2. be nice to my schoolmates.
3. be nice to the Children of God.
4. be nice, period.
5. stop eating so much.
6. start exercising.
7. lose weight.
Seven celebrity likes (in no particular order):1. kate beckinsale
2. brad pitt
i really can't think of anyone/thing else. sorry.
Seven often repeated words:1. ahhhh!!!
2. oh shit!!
3. oh crap!!
4. what the hell?
5. noooooo
6. i'm sure [sarcastically]
7. teehee [when i'm nuts]
Seven traits I look for in the opposite sex:1. eyes that are windows to a soul worth looking into
2. wit and humour
3. Fruits of the Spirit [christian thingy wingy - patience, tolerance etc. he's gotta be Christian.]
4. musical inclinations
5. reasonable intelligence. so we can bicker properly.
6. dignity
7. self-assurance
Seven people tagged:1. jean
2. chris
3. bev
4. mellie
5. liz
last two for anyone. brain is tired. hahaha. be happy ah neh, i've done it!
it must've been love.
10:31 pm
xoxo
jean's the biggest sweetie on earth. she actually bought me the cd i was longing for yesterday. i screamed and screamed when i opened the box and saw it. and it wasn't even my birthday or anything!! ahhhh!!! I LOVE YOU JEAN!!!! =D =D she's such a sweet bestfriend. =)
i find i don't dare say what i really want to. which is good. let this be buried into dust.
but today was good. =D we fell asleep kinda fast huh. hahahha snuggling together, listening to music. my feet got really cold halfway and i wanted to stick them under gen to warm, but i was afraid she might scream and wake everyone else up so i suffered in more or less silence haha. in the end i stole half the blanket from jean amidst loud protests. hahaha we're so crappy. but bingeing was fun!! only i still have loads of chocs left. arghh. chris, we appreciate your thoughts greatly. =D love you, dearie :)
it must've been love.
9:26 pm
xoxo
Monday, October 10
is it possible for a person to be consistently accused of being both arrogant and self-deprecating? if i'm so very haughty, then maybe you're wrong when you say that i keep putting myself down. because i know i'm too arrogant for my own good. but hell, it's the only way a girl can survive. by building up all these layers of pride so that nothing can touch her anymore. and one thing that annoys me is to have people repeatedly tell me to smile / look cheery when i'm just looking normal. if my face curdles your food, that's too bad, because it's mine. i honestly can't help it that i was born with a melancholic face to match my personality. even when i'm just staring into space i somehow look on the verge of tears. you can't expect me to smile 24/7.
listening to the soundtrack of corpse bride. loving every second of it. yes i bought it today. wish i had the money to buy 'always' as well. i love so many songs in that album.
i don't feel like saying much now. sorry.
it must've been love.
10:10 pm
xoxo
Sunday, October 9
if you haven't watched corpse bride, you're missing out on the chance to fall in love with a cartoon character.
yes i know he's not cute, he's scrawny etc etc but gosh when he plays the piano..!! need i say more? except that i starting tearing.. and when they played the duet. it's so bittersweet somehow, how love is like a string with only two ends.
i finished reading 'fair is the rose'. i kind of hated rose at first. i wanted her to run off and be a nun since she had no business loving someone who wasn't free to love her. and after all she did to her sister.. well. guess she turns out okay in the end. stupid jamie though. all guys should be shot!
there's only one thing i want.
no, i lie. i want more than just that.
it must've been love.
9:04 pm
xoxo
Saturday, October 8
i won't talk about promos.
there is no reason for me to feel this way. at all. oh i should be rejoicing. i should be dancing up and down the corridors. but somehow it just feels heavy, heavy inside. inside the hole i think they call a heart.
sometimes blurting everything out seems so easy. but oh, i know the consequences. i could lose everything. and gain nothing. i've never done that yet.
why can't you see? or are you so very blind? but if you did see, i wouldn't know what to do.
this song is really getting to me.
i wanted to tell you, how odd it is that glances can be so empty, that the windows to your soul can be so shielded. but such things are only weak.
it must've been love.
12:28 am
xoxo
Wednesday, October 5
migraine. it's all over my head. from ear to eye to central part [forgot what it's called] to jaw to nose. hooray i can't breathe. waiting to send hist notes to hy. dreams do come true. i dreamt joan told me she has a bf. guess what. she does. hooray. what else did i dream of? i can't remember. it hurts. okay i've sent it. bye. this is how it feels to die. after 3 hours of writing til i couldn't hold my pen. imagine. friday. another 3 hours of torture. only. it won't end. add on 1 1/2 hours of hist. how will i even hold my pen? sea hist tmr. i'm 1/4 way through. i think i'm dying slowly. why do i do these things to myself?
it must've been love.
9:15 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, October 4
my chinese essay was so boring, i fell asleep writing it. i should have included coffee powder when i submitted my paper huh.
math.. screwed. hahaha. to be frank, i almost laughed when i flipped through the paper, because i knew that it would be screwed. and hell, it was. -shrugs- how exciting, considering econs yesterday. i tend to sleep til 6 plus after my papers and wake up groggy. still have to start studying for both histories. bahhh. wonder if i'll even have time to touch lit. i'm gonna have to depend on hist and lit now to promote to j2 with 3 subs. how exciting. hahaha.
i wish i didn't wish so hard.arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i find myself somewhat hoping i'll get the chance again to lose whatever little ability i ever had to speak coherently in recognisable english. which is silly of me.
it's all about ideals, isn't it? seeking out the one charm and discarding the flaws, in an attempt to make the being fit the mould. but every time you meet another being, the mould changes slightly.. until.. maybe one day it would have fit the very first being, only it didn't then and now it's too late. complicated issue.
still looping the song. fade fade fade away. although it's weird to refer to a guy as an angel. honestly, i can't reconcile the two ideas.
it must've been love.
8:15 pm
xoxo
Sunday, October 2
just realised chris had a lot of typos. but i won't help her edit anything, since it'll stop looking chris-y. hahaha. i realised, i really am very un-quirky. now, why on earth do i feel mildly disappointed?
econs tmr. gahahha. sense of impending doom. for very good reasons. if i pass [that's an a level pass] econs, i'll be very obliging and do something that i usually wouldn't do. shall cross that bridge when i get to it.
what happened to the girl who dreamt of touching the stars? all she's doing now is concentrating on not falling into random pits.
and off to study econs!! dear God, please, save me too.
and it just occured to me, how silly it is to pray about
exams when goodness knows [i haven't read the papers] how many people died in bali. again. and all those other times in other places. and yet.. is that an adequate excuse? imagine me marching into the principal's office and demanding that i be promoted to j2 despite 4 f's, simply because one marred little life is still a life. that doesn't quite make sense. i am getting incoherent. this may have something to do with the fact that i haven't played the piano all day and now it's too late. i shall get up early, mute the piano and warm up my brain.
it must've been love.
9:48 pm
xoxo
from chrismy 5 quirks,ahah,soooo embarrassing leh....
1) i like to sit on my couch n watch tv WHOLE DAY,i only move to eat or go toilet,other den that my eyes can be glued onto the tv all day and jus let my brain blank out.
2) when i dislike someone, i like to smile plastically at them n think that their jokes r real fake n laugh at them like a bitch ( ok,maybe i m a abitch -_-"") n think of nasty ways of embarrassing them...sigh,i m mean right?
3) i go for a bath when i think my ass is dirty,hahah
4) i like to sit nxt to obese ( sorry for being insensitive,but..) people on the bus/train,den fall sleep,so i can snuggle against them,it's very comfortable...heee,especially plum aunities,they r soo motherly n all,they dun mind lending me their shoulders.
5) hmmm, last one, when i m in hk having steam boat...we have live prawns poked on satay sticks,i'll pull the satay stick out of one prawn, play with it until everything else is eaten,then throw it in last n EAT IT.yummy.jahahah,i m a sadist.
happy now mel??haha,i have a lot more quirks...sigh,am soo bored,i wanna be in ur room now n stone on ur bed...
it must've been love.
7:38 pm
xoxo
Saturday, October 1
thanks to liz, i am going to list my 5 quirks. see i am so obliging.
1. i like to sing in the shower. sometimes i sing so loudly, my sister bangs on the door and shouts, 'what are you doing?? hurry up!!!' yeah then i get really embarrassed and pretend i wasn't singing. i'm pretty good at denial. -cough-
2. i love to play the piano when no one can hear me. that's when i really pour my soul into what i'm playing. if there's someone nearby or even in the house, i get awkward and restrain myself, because i can't bear to let anyone know the depth of my feelings. i think the intensity of my emotions would startle them anyway.
3. when i'm happy i like to dance around. namely, twirl around and around. but i've kinda gotten that under control over the years.
4. really beautiful things break my heart. there's this physical pain when i see a beautiful picture or read an especially poignant line or listen to a song that tugs at my heartstrings. when i watch a beautiful dance i barely breathe. even overly-significant thoughts can render me teary. yes i am that pathetic.
5. i'm very attracted to the sea, but i'm afraid of it. its sheer vastness fascinates me, but i freak out when my friends walk in too deep, especially at night. i'm afraid of the unknown.
there. all right, now the people whom i shall pick to list their 5 quirks on their blogs:
1. jean
2. chris [email it to me, and i'll paste it on MINE since bev/jean/jan/gen come here anyway =D]
3. bev
4. siti [are you even gonna see this, sheepie/kittycat?]
5. ah neh, the avid reader of my blog
talking to chris. wahahhahaha. silly girl went to hang up her laundry to dry.
i'm in love with this song. how could an angel break my heart. suddenly remembered the whole personality type thing we did in sec3. i realise i'm more melancholic than choleric now. instead of 60/40 it's more of 80/20 or even 90/10. i guess the choleric part only showed when i had leadership posts. oh well. -shrugs-
i'm finally on the production and costs booklet for econs!! goodness knows if i can finish mugging econs for the exam on monday. the best bit? no matter how hard i study, i just know i'm going to get a single digit for my essays again. typical.
it must've been love.
2:24 pm
xoxo
